Tampa Bay Rays
Here they are again.
Javy Guerra was never a great Padre pitcher but in 16 games with Tampa he has a 3.60 Era and is pitching the best of his career because that’s what the Rays do. They take misfit toys from other teams and turn them into the best versions of themselves. It’s voodoo magic and it needs to be investigated.
Here’s a fun nugget, both catchers on the Rays are former Padres. Christian Bethancourt and Francisco Mejia both wore the tools of ignorance for the Friars in the past. Really the only fun things about these two is that during the tank years, the Padres tried to turn Bethancourt into a two-way player and Mejia into a major league hitter. Neither happened but somehow these two are the backstops for a decent team in the AL East. I remember when things were simple and Manuel Margot was the future of the Padres (I also said the same thing about Cameron Maybin lol). Those were good times, easier times. Now the Padres’ centerfielder has a case of the CantHits and Margot is having one of his best years playing about half time in Tampa.
It’s tough seeing so many former Friars on one team. I suppose we can take solace in knowing they are easily the most boring team in the 2022 playoffs.
Everyone remembers Cal Quantrill fondly in San Diego, but honestly how can you go to Stanford with a name like Cal? Josh Naylor is also having a pretty good season by Josh Naylor standards with an OPS of .765. I wish him and his awesome hair all the best. Also on the Guardians is our collective ex-boyfriend Austin Hedges. Honestly, if the Guardians go on some sort of ridiculous run and win a pennant, the reason will be Austin and his big beautiful steely eyes. I have a post-it on my mirror reminding me not to text him while drunk.
No, not a typo. Really. I Know.
Really happy Ty France gets to play in the playoffs, not happy that its for the Padres biggest rival, the Seattle Mariners. Also going to the playoffs is 2021 Padres legend Adam Frazier. I hear that they put up a mural of Frazier in Seattle but it was quickly covered in gum. Andrés Muñoz broke into the major leagues in 2019 with the Padres and has a 2.49 ERA over 64 games, pretty much exactly what the Padres can use right now. Someone had to remind me that Luis Torrens was a Padre even though he was on the team for a whole year in 2017 as a rule five guy. The Rule Five Guys sound like a hacky YouTube comedy troupe that has a problematic member that gets canceled. Anyway, he’s got an OBP of .272 and will absolutely destroy the Padres when they meet this year in the World Series.
Toronto Blue Jays
The last time Anthony Bass pitched for the Padres, Obama was president and East Bound and Down was the best show on TV. He’s bounced around to several teams since then but has found a spot on a playoff team, albeit one covered in maple syrup.
As an aside, are they gonna put King Charles’ face on Canadian money? If so, can we call them Chuck Bucks?
New York Yankees
Anthony Rizzo played for the Padres 11 years ago. He’s the only thing worth talking about on this year’s Yankee squad. No one else. Not a one.
Phil Maton pitched for two very unremarkable years for the Padres. Now he’s on the team that will most likely win the AL Pennant. Most people might not remember Phil on the Padres and I wouldn’t blame them. Most of us are trying to forget 2017-2018.
Los Angeles dodgers
The only former Padre on that accursed roster is Craig Kimbrel and his stupid arm thing. I hope he gets a papercut on his tongue.
St. Louis Cardinals
Miles Mikolas once ate a lizard while wearing a Padres uniform. Easily the only thing he did of note in a Padres uniform.
Atlanta Braves, Philadelphia Phillies, and New York Mets
It doesn’t appear that there are any former Padres on the Braves, Phillies, or the Mets this year. For this reason none of them can possibly win the World Series. It’s not allowed.