(Based on how sick it would be)
Wise old LeBron James is once again a free agent. He controls his destiny as any billion dollar talent should. Since he is the equivalent of an NBA stimulus package, there is wide speculation about where he could end up. I have some opinions on this. But as a casual NBA fan with no time or interest in researching cap space, trade assets, positional needs and chemistry, I am going to rank the top landing spots for LeBron based entirely on how sick I think it would be.
10. LA Lakers
This would not be that sick AT ALL. But I included it because it is unfortunately rather likely. LeBron, to his credit, wants to be a good family man and his son Bronny (apparently) just committed to an LA based high school. So I will look at the positive which includes that he will probably be able to throw his weight around and muzzle Lavar Ball or ship Lonzo off to the Spurs for Kawhi or something.
PRO: If they got Kwahi and a couple other pieces he could eclipse Kobe’s rings on his home court. And it would be nice to shut Kobe’s dumb mouth after he opened it to say this bullshit: “You want to win championships, you just gotta figure it out.” Yeah LeBron, you need to “figure it out” like Kobe did in the 2010 Finals when he shot 25% in game 7 and was less stable than Ron Artest. GTFOH Kobe.
CON: I do not like the Lakers, and I don’t look forward to the 50 additional LA traffic jams.
9. Golden State Warriors
How funny would this be? It would be sick how funny it was. Sure it would take a broken league and throw it off a cliff, but imagine how silly it would be to have a team win 80 games. Just for like a season tho. Let’s not get crazy.
8. Boston Celtics
This would be kinda sick but only if it happened like this: The Cavs sign and trade LeBron for Kyrie, sending his ass back to Cleveland. Kyrie wants to live on a flat earth where he is the top dog, and Cleveland fits that description pretty damn well. Meanwhile LeBron can take over the Celtics young new super team and sit on top of the (allegedly round) world.
PRO: LeBron would win probably 3 more championships with this team, tying Jordan.
CON: I don’t hate the Celtics, but I don’t like the idea of them winning titles. The league is best when they are competitive but not dominant.
7. San Antonio Spurs
IDK, I like the Spurs. So, ergo, this would be sick I guess. In the same way that like, is Tim Duncan a top 10 player all time? Yeah I guess. So, there you have it.
PRO: We’d be treated to more Pop press conferences.
CON: I’m a little bored of the Spurs.
6. Houston Rockets
Yeah this would definitely be sick. The West would be a bloodbath, but it would be fun to watch. Also it would be interesting to see Harden, CP3 and LeBron draw straws to see who gets to be the ball hog each game.
PRO: Chris Paul deserves a ring.
CON: It would be almost as shitty as KD’s move to join an existing super team.
5. Toronto Raptors
This would be pretty sick, in a “what the fuck?” kind of way. That is all.
4. OKC Thunder
It would be pretty sick of LeBron to do this to KD. Just as Russell won an MVP AT Durant, LeBron could win a title AT him. This would be more devastating to KD than when his burner accounts were discovered. Finals MVP to biggest cuck in the league. Plus LBJ could hang out with his buddy Carmelo when LeBron needs a break and sits on the bench for a few minutes.
PRO: One of the all time spite moves.
CON: This team was stolen from Seattle, so they are an illegitimate franchise until the Sonics return as an expansion team.
3. Cleveland Cavaliers
This is the heartwarming kind of sick. LeBron won them a ring and has nothing left to prove. His debts are paid. But if he stays anyway, giving hope to the continually down-trodden? That’s just special.
PRO: I can still wear my LeBron Cavs jersey.
CON: Dan Gilbert is among the worst owners in sports. He doesn’t deserve LeBron nor any happiness whatsoever. I wish more superstars would take a stand about not playing for shitheads that happen to have several billion dollars.
2. Philadelphia 76ers
Pretty damn sick right here. Embiid is the best athlete twitter follow bar none. So it would be a lot of fun to see his 280 character poetry when paired with an all time great.
PRO: He could stay in the easy going East with a young team that could topple the battle worn Warriors, while simultaneously preventing Kyrie from ever making another finals. It’s a talent/convenience/spite triple feature.
CON: Philly is becoming the new Boston. Their violently insane fan base isn’t used to winning and their rabid eyes won’t look any kinder with a smug entitled glimmer.
1. LA Clippers
This would be so friggin sick! LeBron would be in LA with his son and get to do cool Hollywood stuff like he wants. They could keep DeAndre, trade for Kawhi, get JJ back. It would be Lob City all over again! Even if they added no one, LeBron could take the Washington Generals to the finals. Sign a golden retriever, who cares? He doesn’t need a good team right now. He’s planning to stay in the NBA long enough to play with his son Bronny (for whom I will coin the nickname Bronny James Dio) in 5 years. So he signs with the Clips, lets Jerry West build a team around him and erase the memory of the Lakers from LA’s mind. Plus I already pitched him on the idea when the Cavs came to Staples:
PRO: He could prove once and for all he’s the GOAT by turning around one of the most embarrassing franchises in sports.
CON: The team still isn’t in San Diego. And LeBron has no reason to want to move the team back. BUT, he is the one player who could. So… there’s that.
Jono Zalay is a native San Diegan standup comic and co-host of the F*** The Chargers podcast. He now lives in Los Angeles where he can hate the Chargers from close proximity.