Who Would You Wanna Punch?

Who Would You Wanna Punch?

In honor of the first game of the 2015 World Series, we here at the Kept Faith have asked our contributors one of the most important questions in sports history: What Major Leaguer would you most like to punch?

There’s really no criteria to go off of, just that they have to be a current Major Leaguer, and there needs to be a reason for them to be punched. So, without any further ado – swing away!

I really want to punch Brian McCann. Sure, he shares my last name, but I hate him. More importantly, I hate modern players who over do the whole old school baseball rules thing. During his last few seasons as an Atlanta Brave he emerged as the self appointed keeper of all things pure about baseball by starting fights over every little thing. Bat flipping isn’t a big deal and he needs to calm down about it. He is a good player and he looks like a bald Ryan Dunn from Jackass. Whatever, try to become a true Yankee and shut up. I’d like to punch the idea of Brian McCann and all baseball players who aspire to wear “playing the right way” on their sleeve as some kind of stupid pose.
Nicholas Burmeister AKA @padreshaiku
Based on looks alone, I’d punch Angel Pagan. The guy looks like your ex-girlfriend’s rebound. He looks like the guy at work that won’t shut up about capoeira. He looks like a guy that microwaves fish at work. I bet he wants Donald Trump to be president. Given the chance he’d raise the price on AIDS medicine to $750 a pill. He thinks the Green Album is the best Weezer album. He thinks Yorvit Torrealba belongs in the Padres canon. He’d kill Cecil the lion. He looks like he owns a “No Fat Chicks” tee shirt.

ST. LOUIS, MO - MAY 7: John Lackey #41 of the St. Louis Cardinals reacts after striking out Anthony Rizzo #44 of the Chicago Cubs to end the sixth inning at Busch Stadium on May 7, 2015 in St. Louis, Missouri.  (Photo by Jeff Curry/Getty Images)

I’d punch every Cardinal. Fine, just one? John Lackey. It’s hard for me to hate a team more than the Dodgers and Giants, but the Cardinals are up there. Lackey’s the face of that. He also has the face of someone who’d let a divorce go public while his wife was battling cancer. He also has the heart of that person, too. I don’t want to know the real details / his side either. I just want to punch him. And then run away.
I’d punch Fernando Rodney. His stupid crooked hat and his stupid arrow shooting. And the fact that looking at any advance statistics prove that he has NEVER had even ONE good season–even in his good years he was lucky. And his stupid last name. Stupid.
Adrian Gonzalez Los Angeles Dodgers Photo WLoupqwPM54l
As a native San Diegan I want to punch Adrian Gonzalez in the mouth, hard. San Diego has nothing in the sports world to hang it’s hat on. San Diego loved Tony Gwynn because he stayed and believed in the city even though he knew it meant he might never have a ring. Adrian had the opportunity, as a native San Diego to have a very special story about being the hometown boy and bringing a ring to the city that needs it the most. Instead he let greed get in the way. I wan to punch him hard.

EDS NOTE: LEWD GESTURE - Philadelphia Phillies pitcher Jonathan Papelbon gestures to the crowd after giving up four runs to the Miami Marlins during the ninth inning of a baseball game Sunday, Sept. 14, 2014, in Philadelphia. Papelbon was ejected from the game. The Marlines won 5-4. (AP Photo/H. Rumph Jr)

My runner up is Kris Bryant. He’s not only a (very promising) Cub, but he’s A-Rod/Prom King/Douche Bag/ 80’s Bully level Handsome. Side note: Schwarber and Rizzo sound like an 80’s bully’s goons.

The real one I’d punch is Papelbon. All time dumb white fuck head. I would bet he’s never been nice to a person with less money than him. I hope Harper knocks his teeth out at Jayson Werth’s birthday.
Honorable Mention: Schilling because he’s a failure and wants to jerk it to Ayn Rand or whatever.

VIERA, FL - FEBRUARY 23:  Jayson Werth #28 of the Washington Nationals poses for a portrait at Space Coast Stadium during photo day on February 23, 2014 in Viera, Florida.  (Photo by Rob Carr/Getty Images)

Jayson Werth. Not only cause his name is spelled like that, but by itself that’s a good enough reason. I remember when Werth was a Dodger, and saw him play at the Murph. He hit a homerun, and literally ran the bases with his arms wide-open just shaking his head like no one had ever hit a god damn homerun before. From that moment on, it was over. He grew his beard, and started looking like every Puddle of Mudd fan from Santee. I hate looking at him, I hate watching him swing a bat, and I hate that he is sometimes good. One year, I drafted him in fantasy baseball and sat him on my bench the whole year, just so no one else could beat me with him.
Google+ Linkedin

Written By :

Dallas McLaughlin is a writer and performer for the Emmy-winning Yo! Gabba Gabba! and The Aquabats! Super Show! He's also worked as a consultant for Disney Television Animation, Nickelodeon, and Fox Sports. A diehard San Diego sports fan, Dallas has written passionately against the DH and in favor of Padre Brown for SI.com, The Sports Minute, Fox Sports, Voice of San Diego, San Diego Magazine, and is one of the founding members of The Kept Faith. A professional standup comedian who's performed with Norm McDonald, Chris Hardwick, Dave Attell, Jeff Garlin, and many more. He recently won San Diego's Funniest Person Contest, and has been featured on FoxRox, Tonight in San Diego, and was a DJ on FM94/9 for over seven years. Dallas has spent over two decades on stage as an actor, award-winning playwright and director. In his spare time, Dallas likes to eat burritos, drink beer, and talk to his wife about her dislike for Harry Connick, Jr.

Leave a comment: