It’s that time of year when the world falls in love – Baseball season and my annual MLB Predictions! Now, as per usual I have crunched numbers no one has even thought of, I’ve made phone calls to girlfriends, boyfriends, wives, bookies and priests. I have more inside information into Jean Segura than one man should. I am a master of my domain. I’m a well-oiled pool boy whose dropped the towel and exposed my secrets.
Using my analysis and mathematical equations I once again bring you my completely flawless, eerily accurate MLB Predictions:
(EDITOR’S NOTE: The picks are always real, and a (*) denotes division champion)
(OTHER EDITOR’S NOTE: Shut it.)
Let’s start where it all started for me – The National League!
Phillies: The media darlings are all the rage this season, and why shouldn’t they be? With the addition of Jake Arrieta, and the other guy, what’s not to like? By July 2nd Arrieta is traded, JP Crawford is hitting .203, and Nick Foles is their new closer.
Mets: Matt Harvey is well on his way to winning the Cy Young, when out of nowhere Jacob deGrom and Noah Syndergaard challenge him to a fight – using only their pitching arms! It ends with mass bloodshed as all three pitchers are put on the two-year DL and given Tommy John surgeries just for fun. They also trade and re-trade Jay Bruce.
Nationals*: Bryce Harper begins cutting holes in his batting helmets so you can see his beautiful hair. Strasburg loves the idea, but instead starts wearing visors. When he’s told by MLB officials that he’s not allowed to wear visors on the mound he challenges Max Scherzer to a fight – using only their pitching arms! Strasburg wins and as a reward is given Dusty Baker entombed in carbonite.
Braves: I don’t know. I mean, does anyone really care about the Braves right now? Let’s just say they have some fun this summer. No one cares.
Marlins: In a stunning move Derek Jeter relocates the entire team and the entire stadium to Brooklyn where he replaces the weird Birdcage tribute statue with a 30ft painting of Don Zimmer. The Marlins go on to win 88 games.
Pirates: Upset they can’t trade anyone else The Pirates start asking other teams if they can trade old 1990 Donruss Rookie cards. Every team says yes, knowing they can easily get a Robin Ventura and probably a Sandy Alomar rookie card for a Chris Gywnn and maybe a Kent Mercker. The Pirates sink all their money into the card game and are forced to declare bankruptcy causing the world to realize whom the real pirates are – the bankers.
Reds: Joey Votto.
Cubs*: They win 102 games without skipping a beat. Joe Maddon wears cool glasses, and Rizzo is always like, “Hey Joe, cool glasses.” And Joe is like, “Cooool”, and every one laughs, and it’s fun, and yea man they just have a really nice time over there in Wrigley.
Brewers: All the outfield acquisitions pay off and the team wins enough games to claim the second Wild Card. Unfortunately right before the one-game playoff Eric Thames is found eating an entire horse. Everyone acts like it’s not a big deal, but it is definitely a big deal. Ryan Braun is once again busted for steroids.
Cardinals: My wife told me Paul DeJong was going to break his ankle in the first month of the season. I’m gonna go with that.
Padres: Ugh. Do we have to? Fine. Every pitcher gets hurt and Chris Young is our opening day starter in 2019. Whatever. Who gives a shit? DO YOU SEE HOW HAPPY OHTANI AND SOLARTE ARE?! DO YOU SEE?!
Dodgers*: Cody Bellinger is arrested on suspicion of being adorable, and Matt Kemp gains thirty pounds by the end of June. Clayton Kershaw goes on the DL in July after a dirt bike race with Madison Bumgarner. Nothing happened to Kershaw, but anytime Bumgarner does anything outside of baseball somebody somewhere has to get hurt. The Dodgers repeat as division winners, AND DO YOU SEE HOW HAPPY DAVE ROBERTS IS?!
Giants: Speaking of Bumgarner, he begins staring down is own teammates during batting practice until new Giant Andrew McCutchen takes exception and rushes the mound. He clocks Bumgarner who thought someone would get between them, but no one did. No one did. Buster Posey wins the MVP Award. Sorry, that one was a joke.
Rockies: Okay, okay I like what’s happening here. Good young sluggers, pitchers who don’t rely on the strikeout. Very nice. They lose 104 games.
Diamondbacks: On the backs of a solid rotation that is pitching in humidor-induced waters, the D-Backs go on to win the Wild Card. I mean, it could happen.
NL WILD CARD: Brewers and Mets
NL PENNANT: Cubs
Now on to the land of DHs and AHs – The American League!
Rangers: They keep playing just so so hard, and we are just so proud of them. Really they are doing such a good job. It’s like so so cute.
A’s: Matt Olson and Matt Chapman start a cover band called Matt Out of Hell, a tribute to Meat Loaf. Chapman plays bass and Olson sings, and they play all over Oakland and the Bay Area. They even get a write up in Pitchfork as thee Meat Loaf cover band to see in the northern part of California. After a three-month residency at the TGI Friday’s in Walnut Creek, the band decides to split up to take a breather and focus on being traded. They win 75 games – the band, not the A’s.
Astros*: They bring up yet another young prospect, who is also really good, and then another one, and then it’s like okay, we get it.
Angels: To the surprise of absolutely everyone Ohtani lives up to all the hype and then some. He hits .311 with 31 homeruns and over a hundred runs batted in. He also wins 17 games and finishes with an ERA under 2. But, did you know he can also play piano? Like, freaking Beethoven. But, not a regular piano, one of those huge floor ones from the movie Big. Ohtani and Mike Trout perform an incredible rendition of “Chariots of Fire” at the Home Run Derby and the Angels are still paying Albert Pujols.
Mariners: Something something Mitch Haniger.
White Sox: After realizing they’re still starting James Shields the White Sox decide to take a couple of months off to just kind of “figure some stuff out”. When they feel like it’s time to play again Shields is still pitching but under the pseudonym Mr. Roland S. Featherbottom. He never throws harder than 88 mph and Sevendust plays at the last home game of the season.
Twins: Is Joe Mauer still on this team? Is he? Can you definitely say one way or another? Right now? This second, without looking at the Internet – is Joe Mauer still on this team?
Indians*: The Chief Wahoo scandal is no laughing matter, and will never ring more true than when the real Chief Wahoo returns from the Spirit World to rain terror over Progressive Field and curse the team and their families for decades to come. They win the Central in a landslide.
Tigers: In a delightful turn of events everything works out great!
Royals: After losing thirty straight games the Royals have no choice but to switch things up. They ask Lorde to come sing “Royals” before every home game and this completely works. For some reason many players kneel during the song, but its looked at as a silent protest against pretentious musicians and how the musical landscape is being diluted by a digital media presence that confuses what should be celebrated and what should be ignored.
Blue Jays: On the back of Yangervis Solarte and new Blue Jays manager David Eckstein, the team wins 93 games, but it’s still not enough to make the playoffs. The team decides to trade Solarte to San Diego for Chase Headley and just let me believe that this will be true.
Red Sox*: They easily have the best squad in the American League. I mean I guess you could say the Astros, but really that’s just because you’re boring. Okay, I mean maybe the Indians, but that’s like suuuuuper racist for you to say.
Rays: Chris Archer has been traded.
Yankees: After failing to live up to his huge contract Giancarlo Stanton gives up playing professional baseball and goes back to the quiet life of living in Marlins Stadium. He is found under the visiting dugout with a long beard and whisper-singing “New York, New York”. The teams loses 89 games, and every member of the Steinbrenner family is fired from whatever job they were currently holding.
AL WILD CARD: Yankees and Angels
AL PENNANT: Indians
WORLD SERIES CHAMPION: Indians
Well, there you have it: Completely flawless logic, and indisputable predictions about the 2018 Major League Baseball season. If you don’t agree just remember that no one likes you and that is almost assuredly your fault.
ENJOY THE SEASON!
For more expert sports stuff, and things you probably won’t care about, follow me on Twitter @dallas_mc