Yes Ladies and Gentlemen, it’s back. My world-famous predictions based solely on heavily researched facts, betting lines, and deep dives into social media posts that have nothing to do with anything.
These are extremely accurate and nothing you can say will disprove that.
Tampa Bay Vs. Toronto
In this battle of AL East stepchildren it’s a winner take all, and loser stays in Florida. Yup, that’s right. Whoever loses this matchup will have to stay in Florida, winner heads to Canada. Vlad, Jr. will hit thirteen homeruns, while Tampa Bay is stifled by the lights out pitching of Anthony Bass and Anthony Kay – The Tonys! The 1st seed Rays are swept and stay under the rule of Gov. COVID DeSantis. Toronto in 2.
Cleveland Vs. New York
In the first game of the series Aaron Judge is hit by a pitch and stares down the Indians dugout. In the second game Franmil Reyes is hit in retaliation and stares down the Yankees dugout. In the third game Franmil and Judge meet at the mound, rip off their jerseys, and fight to the death. Winner wins the series and Rob Manfred watches on in delight. Cleveland in 3.
Los Angeles Vs. Milwaukee
The hot shit Dodgers come in to this series high on their regular season record forgetting that it never has mattered before. They take game one on sheer bravado, but the Brewers come back to win the series after Luis Urias finally lives up to his full potential, hits four homeruns, steals six bases, makes unbelievable defensive plays and hides Clayton Kershaw’s favorite glove. Brewers in 3.
San Diego Vs. St. Louis
These long time playoff rivals meet at the perfect time as both cities named after religious-icons clash in a battle for revenge. The new look Padres waste no time taking out the Cardinals in the first game, but in a surprise twist 2005 Albert Pujols starts game two and demolishes the Friars. However, when a cardboard cutout in the stands starts choking on a hot dog, Pujols acts quickly and steps over the rock line to save her life. He fades into the stands. Padres in 3.
Minnesota Vs. Houston
Minnesota removes all trashcans from the stadium thus rendering the Astros nearly harmless. On a heroic pitching performance from Lance McCullers the Astros take game one. Not taking any more chances, the Twins place the regional-touring cast of Stomp in the bullpen, which confuses the Astros batters and causes Jose Altuve to pass out in his second at bat. Twins in 3.
Oakland Vs. Chicago White Sox
In a battle between teams my sister (who was in a gang) used to exclusively wear apparel for, the stakes are high. Oakland, the long-standing example of small market success against the upstart White Sox who seem to be relevant for the first time since my sister was last out of jail. It’s a tough call, but not as tough as collect calls to jail. White Sox in 2.
Chicago Cubs Vs. Miami
A rematch of the heated 2003 playoffs when Moises Alou tried to will the death of a fan with his glare. Neither of these teams have been particularly exciting this season, but just for the sake of seeing Marlins Man in cut out form for the next few weeks, let’s go with the Marlins in 3.
Atlanta Vs. Cincinnati
Joey Votto’s last dance. Reds in 3.