A Short Play by Padres Haiku
Setting- a luxury office overlooking downtown LA. Don Mattingly has just been fired.
Dodger Exec: [to Magic Johnson] Mr. Johnson, the Dodgers and Don Mattingly have…parted ways. We have started to look for a replacement. The front office thinks-
Magic Johnson: [Interrupts] Pat Riley. Call Pat Riley!
DE: Uh…He’s a basketball guy, and anyway he’s busy with the Miami Heat.
MJ: Call him!!! He owes me!
[15 minuets later]
DE: So we uh, called Mr. Riley. He politely declined…Dodger brass suggests hiring-
MJ: Bill Parcells, he’s old school. I like that. He’ll toughen up that outfield!! He’s turned around teams before. Call him.
DE: Again, Mr. Johnson, Bill Parcells doesn’t have experience in the baseball world. Plus, we’ve been to the post-season three years in a row, so a rebuild isn’t really necessary. It would serve the organization better to-
MJ: Call him!!
[10 minuets later]
DE: Mr. Parcells has passed.
[Magic stares out his window]
DE: Mr. Johnson, our best option might be to let the basball operations people find a new manager. Zaidi and his guys can find a…
MJ: You want a baseball guy? How about Lasorda? He’s available.
[five minutes later]
DE: Mr. Lasorda said no.
MJ: He did?
DE: Well, he used a few magic words, but after asking us to trade for Willie Keeler, he hung up. It might be best to go a different route. Maybe someone with an analyitic background?
MJ: No, let’s stay on the path that we’re on right now. I got an idea. Can we hire…
-Smash cut to-
Yasiel Puig, Andre Ethier, and Chase Utley spray champagne on a bag of money sitting next to the Commissioner’s Trophy.
Follow Nicholas Burmeister on Twitter @Padreshaiku