It’s easy to be cynical about San Diego local government. The people involved have made that the obvious choice time and time again. However, on Monday, Mayor Kevin Faulconer and his Stadium Task Force took a real shot at pushing the city forward into the modern NFL. The Citizen’s Stadium Advisory Group (CSAG) Report is a 42 page plan that outlines a path for San Diego and its Chargers to come together and build a new football stadium in Mission Valley without asking taxpayers for money. The details are complicated and will be debated for months. All signs point to the Chargers negotiating changes in a dismissive way. It will probably get ugly and the overall meaning of the CSAG report will get more and more confusing. Is it a way for the city officials to simply save face before our Bolts bolt to the city of Carson? That’s entirely possible. We all need to prepare ourselves for it.
In the spirit of CSAG and the idea of coming up with a solution instead of complaining about the problem, I give you my proposal:
CFARP (Chargers Fans Aftermath Recovery Plan)
Phase 1: The Final Ride
We root for the San Diego Chargers while they play within our city limits. If the 2015 squad wins the Superbowl while the Spanos family is gearing up to take them from us, it will be funnier than the 3rd act of Major League. In all likelihood they won’t confirm the move until after the 2015 season because they won’t want to take a bath at the gate for an entire year. This is fine. It will be our last journey watching Phillip Rivers yelling at his teammates and/or the world.
Phase 2: When They Move
We go to Qualcomm together for Burning Stan, a three day Chargers gear burning party/rave/poetry slam that culminates in the lighting on fire of a Stan Humphries statue made of NFL licensed products. The Mayor should be the one to light it. We cry, scream, drink, crush it in the John Carney chill room, and collectively throw our middle fingers up to the North. It needs to be awful. It needs to be pure. It needs to be the first half of the Chargers/49ers Superbowl x 619.
Phase 3: The Response
If the Chargers are gone in 2016, holes will need to be filled. Sure, we can’t go to games at Qualcomm, but we can still watch NFL games on TV. Gambling and fantasy are fun ways to consume football on Sundays, but there is nothing like following a team week in and week out. I propose that as a shattered fan base, we focus all of our attention on rooting for any and every team that faces the Carson Chargers. We have the same parties with the same people we watched the San Diego Chargers with, but we root for them to lose every game. We wear the opposing team’s colors, we celebrate the opposing teams’ regional foods and we engage in a new set of rituals that mock the team that left us.
- When the Carson Chargers kickoff, we all say, “HEEEERRRESSS JOHNNY!”
- When the Carson Chargers get blown out over 55 points, we yell, “SAY OW!”
- Whenever the announcers mention that the Carson Stadium is filled with opposing fans, DRINK!
- Whenever the announcers mention that there are more Raiders fans than Chargers fans during their head to head matchups, REALLY DRINK!
- When the Chargers lose, we play the San Diego Super Chargers theme song and hug each other, while reminiscing about Burning Stan instead of a title because the Spanos family never gave us one.
Maybe it’s pathetic and mean spirited, but we have the right to feel that way. The Carson move could be a disaster for the Spanos family and we should all root for that to happen. More importantly, it goes beyond rooting for losses, we should all root for the Carson Chargers to come in dead last every year in both the standings and in NFL licensed merchandise sales.
Ron Burgandy told us to stay classy. This is something that annoying people who aren’t from here like to mimic when they step foot on our soil. But we are a classy people and my plan isn’t intended to change that. If the NFL leaves, we should live our lives at an even more heightened state of class…except for Sundays in the fall. If the Carson Chargers come to fruition, from the moment the ball is kicked off in their games to the final tick of the clock, we should purge all the horrible things we have inside ourselves and channel them to hoping the Spanos family fails.
Or they could stay. Mission Valley is yours, Dean. Hopefully we can come together.
Follow on Twitter: @Nicholas_McCann