Well, it’s that time of year again. Time for me to be incredibly impressive with my accurate predictions for the forthcoming MLB Season. As always, the picks are real, and you are extremely welcome for the insider info. Please take my picks, go to Vegas, and put all of your money on what I think is right.
We’ll start with the League of our Forefathers: National
Arizona Diamondbacks: After years of mediocre Baseball, and subpar seasons of rebuilding and selling off young talent for nothing in return, the Diamondbacks ask to officially change their name to the San Diego Padres.
Los Angeles Dodgers of Irvine: After losing their first 20 games, the Dodgers announce “Rub Tommy Lasorda’s Belly Night”. The promotion goes awry when Tommy gets completely naked and runs onto the field during the 7th inning stretch yelling, “FERNANDO-MANIA HAS RETURNED!”
Colorado Rockies: Have not been heard from for the last six years. If you have any information regarding their whereabouts please e-mail ToddHelton@DanteBichette.geocities.com
San Diego Padres: Have done everything they can to eventually let us all down. KEEP THE FAITH!
San Francisco Giants*: After losing a few key players to free agency, the Giants replace them with castoffs and unknowns and somehow make the playoffs. A statue of Bruce Bochy is erected on top of Alcatraz. He is The Rock.
Cincinnati Reds: Jay Bruce hits .220 with 30 homeruns. Joey Votto hits .290 with 79 RBI. Billy Hamilton hits .183 and steals 92 bases. Johnny Cueto wins 13 games and strikes out 202 batters. The team collapses of monotony and finishes 3rd.
Pittsburgh Pirates*: Are just sooooooooo close!
Chicago Cubs: Anthony Rizzo decides to give himself a Mohawk, wear nothing but cut off shorts and tank tops, and demand that everyone calls him “The Riz!” Joe Maddon likes the idea and pitches a reality show where he and The Riz are unlikely roommates in a downtown Chicago loft. The Riz Goes Mads is a huge hit, and the Cubs lose 98 games.
Milwaukee Brewers: Ryan Braun is once again caught for steroids, but this time it really wasn’t his fault. You see, Jonathan Lucroy dared him to eat all the steroids in the locker room, and at first Braun was like no way, but he’s always been super serious about dares, so he tried to pretend like he was eating them, so he wouldn’t look like a wimp, but then ended up actually eating them all by accident.
St. Louis Cardinals: Are so boring that it took me three minutes (an actual three minutes) to remember they were in this division. Listen, I know two guys who love the Cardinals…So, Sam and Jimmy, I wish you all the luck Matt Adams will have versus Left-Handed pitching this year.
Atlanta Braves: For the first time since the 90’s the Braves aren’t relevant. We can all sleep a little better at night.
Miami Marlins: Christian Yelich surpasses everyone’s expectations by hitting 45 homeruns and knocking in 139 RBI. The Marlins then sign him to a 20-year $874 million dollar contract. Both of his arms are tragically bitten off by an actual marlin on “Bring Your Own Marlin Night”.
Philadelphia Phillies: Finally trade Cole Hamels…for Cliff Lee. Everyone is confused, and no one is happy.
New York Mets: To drum up interest in the new season, ownership starts a nationwide contest called ‘Pitch for the Mets’! Anyone is eligible* (*must be willing to have Tommy John surgery immediately)
Washington Nationals*: The Nationals win over 100 games and go on to the World Series! Bryce Harper drinks soda for the first time and disappears for games one and two. When he finally does show up, he’s married, has no memory of the last three months, and burns all of Max Scherzer’s shoes.
NL WILDCARDS: Padres & Cubs
NL CHAMPS: Nationals
Now, on to the League of Miscreants and Vagabonds: American
Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim: Josh Hamilton is officially listed as a character from The Wire.
Houston Astros: Listen, you can put the Astros in the Premier League and they’d still be the worst at Baseball.
Oakland A’s*: Surprise the Baseball world once again by winning 90 games and not surprisingly celebrate their great regular season with a 1st Round exit from the playoffs. Billy Beane is found on top of the Oakland Bay Bridge singing “Everybody Hurts” and screaming, “Brad Pitt was me!!”
Texas Rangers: After losing 45 out of their first 60 games, the Rangers clean house. They trade Yovani Gallardo for three double-A relievers, Shin-Soo Choo for Michael Cuddyer, Jr., Elvis Andrus for Elvis Grbac, Prince Fielder for more uniforms, and sign Jurickson Profar to an extension. The strategy does not work, although at least one or two dudes thought it totally could have.
Seattle Mariners: To better connect with the city, the team forces all their players to choose either Nirvana or Pearl Jam songs for their walk-up music. Robinson Cano is fined $10,000 when he defiantly chooses Mudhoney’s “Chain That Door”. [Please note: This joke, and these references would’ve absolutely killed in 1993]
Detroit Tigers*: After letting Kate Upton throw out the first pitch the team becomes cursed. They lose every other game, and somehow nude photos of every player surface on the Internet. Justin Verlander’s demise is finally explained, but everyone agrees it was totally worth it.
Kansas City Royals: After a miracle 2014 season, the Royals are unable to repeat the magic. Ticket sales plummet, and at dinner on July 30th your father is overheard saying, “Now, this is more like it.” Eric Hosmer once again shows a lot of potential.
Chicago White Sox: After spending a busy offseason signing some high profile free agents, it’s unanimously agreed that no one cares and it was all futile. Jeff Samardzija spends all of June crying in the clubhouse when it’s revealed that absolutely no one knows how to spell his name.
Cleveland Indians: Sign Lebron James as a publicity stunt, but when he shows up ready to play, the team just goes with it. He is very bad, and once again the debate begins on who’s better: Jordan or Lebron. Having coached Jordan in the minors, Terry Francona publicly comes out in support of Jordan. Lebron has Francona fired, and takes over as manager. He immediately signs Johnny Manziel, and the Indians go on to lose an unprecedented 300 games; thus completing Lebron’s finite revenge on Cleveland’s sports fans.
Minnesota Twins: Torii Hunter does not work out.
New York Yankees: When Chase Headley is named the starter at third base, A-Rod goes into a roid rage. He breaks all the Hall of Fame plaques in two, eats the bases, and uses Joe Girardi’s legs to beat Didi Gregorious to death. Somehow the Yankees still don’t release him.
Baltimore Orioles: Have another great year, and absolutely no one notices.
Toronto Blue Jays: Heading into the All-Star break in first place, the Blue Jays are riding high, then go on to lose their next 40 games. In an attempt to regain their fan base they invite The Kids In Hall to perform post-game for an entire weekend. Every game is a sellout, but things take a turn when Josh Donaldson is injured as a guest vocalist on “These Are The Dave’s I Know”. [Please Note: This reference is great.]
Boston Red Sox*: After failing to sign every single free agent available, the Red Sox are forced to start some of their young talent. It works out fine, and things go well.
Tampa Bay Rays: After losing Andrew Friedman and Maddon, many feel the Rays mystique is gone. To fix this the team convinces Chris Archer to wear Maddon’s famous thick-rimmed glasses. This inadvertently turns Archer into an elite pitcher, and he wins the Cy Young. The celebration is cut short on a very sad episode of The Riz Goes Mads when Archer is caught stealing all of Maddon’s glasses. Archer is sent to prison, where he starts an all-new reality series –Three Strikes, I’m Out – chronicling Archer’s journey to find redemption, and the perfect curve.
AL WILDCARDS: White Sox and Angels
AL CHAMPS: Red Sox
WORLD SERIES CHAMPS: Nationals
Well, there you have it: a completely flawless and analytic look at the 2015 MLB Season. Yes, I have the Nationals winning it all, which is highly unlikely, but so far I’ve been .500 in my picks, so there. SHUT UP.
Happy Opening Day!
For more expert sports stuff, and things you probably won’t care about, follow me on Twitter @dallas_mc