INT. DAY – BASEMENT IN A NONDESCRIPT HOUSE IN SAN DIEGO.
Two men, Peter Podcast and Bobby Blogger, both in their late 20’s/early 30’s enter a basement. Peter is wearing a Padres camouflage Heath Bell jersey while Bobby is sporting the 1998 World Series commemorative T-shirt. Both in flip-flops, both already balding, both in cargo shorts and holding burritos.
PETER: Dude! This basement is killer! It’ll be perf to record the pod!
BOBBY: Yea, bruh. My mom said it’s totes cool if we record down here! We can setup the desk right here so we can blog, like, all day!
PETER: I can’t wait to get back to blogging!
BOBBY: Me too!
They both hi-five and take bites of their burritos.
Peter starts to get sad.
PETER: Hey, Bobby?
BOBBY: Ya dude.
PETER: Do you ever think this is all meaningless? I mean, we’re just fans we don’t know anything at all, you know?
BOBBY: Totes. We are pretty uninformed, especially in this day and age when players pretty much air all their grievances and issues on their social media accounts, which sure anyone can look at, but it’s not like actual information – it’s just what the players are saying themselves.
PETER: I know, man. Sometimes I just hate making up stuff to talk about because I love the team so much that all I wanna do is think and talk about them.
BOBBY: Well, you know the sitch, bruh! We get our followers up, then we get team access! That way we can actually be in the clubhouse with the players and get the REAL scoops. You know, like, “We gotta play harder!” and, “We just have to take it one game at a time!” You know, the actual quotes and information that only insiders can get and fans actually want!
PETER: Dude. Bro. Bruh-
They both take bites of their burritos.
PETER (CONT.): -Could you imagine for like one second actually being in the post-game presser and hearing first hand how tough it was out there, or how the umps got it wrong, or-
BOBBY: OR We could ask them a hard-hitting, tough question, then they avoid answering it, and then we don’t follow up at all because this is our paycheck and we can’t get banned from the press room?
PETER & BOBBY: TEAM ACCESS!!!
PETER: The Dream.
BOBBY: The absolute dream.
PETER: I know. I can’t wait to tuck my shirt into my jeans and get in on team phone calls and talk to owners about stuff I’ll never be able to write about because it’s off the record so it doesn’t even matter – but to be in that situation at all would be HEAVEN.
BOBBY: Next lev.
PETER: But, for now it’s just hoping and continuing to deliver free in-depth, thought out content without the demands of a deadline or worry of offending a team official.
BOBBY: Yup. Bullshit nonsensical coverage.
PETER: Like we always say at the craft brewery –
PETER & BOBBY: – IF ITS NOT BEHOLDEN TO SPONSORS ITS NOT WORTH READING OR LISTENING TO!
They hi-five, pour IPAs on each other and take another bite of their burritos.
BOBBY: Just gotta bide your time, duder. Someday we can move on from podcasting and saying exactly what we want to, how we want to, and move to radio where we can have COMMERCIAL BREAKS!!
PETER: And, be forced TO TALK ABOUT COLLEGE FOOTBALL AND OTHER THINGS WE BARELY CARE ABOUT OR KNOW ABOUT BUT A PROGRAM DIRECTOR TOLD US WE HAD TO CAUSE NUMBERS ARE DOWN!
PETER & BOBBY: THE DREAM!
BOBBY’S MOM (from offscreen): BE QUIET DOWN THERE! I’M TRYING TO READ THE NEWSPAPER TO GET NEWS ON THINGS YOU ALL KNEW ABOUT A WEEK AGO!
BOBBY: SORRY, MA!
PETER: Dude. Your mom is so hot.
BOBBY: Bro. Not cool.
PETER: What? She teaches Pilates at Orange Fit, bruh. She’s banging!
BOBBY: Talking that way you’ll never get into tradish media.
They fistbump and half hug.
PETER: I guess I just get upset that there are some bloggers out there who don’t even care about gettin’ to the next lev. They’re actually continuing to get players on their pods and give an incredible amount of coverage into the minor league systems because tradish med wouldn’t allow the space in their columns or airwaves.
BOBBY: So much disrespect to the dudes who bang the typewriters.
They both take another bite of their burritos and half hug again.
BOBBY: Don’t sweat it, bro dude. This basement is temporary. One day, we’ll reach the pinnacle of REAL sports journalists and get ourselves a cubicle.
PETER: I start to cry just thinking about it.
BOBBY: So, what’s the topic for tonight’s pod?
PETER: The mathematical trajectory of every Kirby Yates pitch, and then we’ll break down every time Andy Green has put on an infield shift and it hasn’t panned out and discuss why.
BOBBY: More nonsensical bullshit. Someday we can sit back in the cubicle, unbutton the top button of our pants and push “send” on our ‘Why Kirby Yates Likes Hawaiian Shirts’ column.
BOBBY’S MOM (from offscreen): DID YOU KNOW ANTONIO GATES PLAYED BASKETBALL IN HIGH SCHOOL?!
Lights fade as Peter and Bobby put on thick fake mustaches and push record.