According to legend, long ago the Padres acquired a pitcher by the name of Chris Paddack, for a man who shot arrows into space. He required elbow surgery but Preller, ever the magnanimous ruler, decided to take the high road and not reverse the trade or complain about it like a lesser, pettier rival would. Deep in the cold dark corners of the baseball world, Chris rehabbed and got better, stronger, until finally he was unleashed. Now he has come to the minor leagues to devour hapless single A batters with his dizzying array of nasty pitches. Woe be upon those that seek to mash upon his hurled balls. Let us peer unto his Instagram to gaze upon his power and glory.
We mortals can neither read nor comprehend its sacred text, but the tattoo on his left shoulder is an incantation that turns opposing batters into wretched creatures swinging feebly at his change-up.
Lo, Paddack is already making his intentions clear to the Arizona franchise. No serpent shall be spared.
The prophecies foretell of a pitcher who shall dominate…Overall.
Look upon thy future, National League foes, and weep! For along with Paddack comes Stirrups, a force so mighty he turns your once-feared wooden bats into splinters. Even Espinoza approves.
Food Shot! Even the mightiest conqueror must replenish his strength from time to time. Today he feasts upon… Brisket & Sweet Tea!
This all-black western-cut tux with tails, complete with ten-gallon hat, means doom for all of East County. Fear not, Poway, for thou art not part of East County, and therefore shall not fall victim to Paddack’s countrified torment. (those boots tho)
Paddack’s IG game gets an A+. Any other grade would be blasphemous and invite retribution from the dark lord of country pitching. We, the gathered faithful, await your arrival.