20 Bold Predictions for the Padres in 2019!
- Fernando Tatis, Jr will hit safely in 43 consecutive games, and the city will hold a parade to commemorate this achievement every 43 days for the next five years.
- Eric Hosmer will also hit safely in 43 consecutive games, but somehow it just won’t matter as much, you know?
- Manny Machado will hit .304 with 35 homeruns and over 100 RBI and finish 3rd in MVP voting behind Francisco Mejia and Franmil Reyes.
- Wil Myers will finally live up to his hype and potential while playing DH for the Cleveland Indians.
- Three more breweries will release Padres themed beers, including Iron Fist’s Amber is the Color of Urias Energy Amber Ale, Fall Brewing’s Paddack Prince of Pistolers Pils, and the lesser liked Stone Brewing: Dan Sileo is an Arrogant Bastard Wine Cooler.
- 97.3 The Fan hires a Jerry Coleman impersonator to call games, and develops a hologram to sit in the booth and hang stars.
- Not knowing what the joy of having a relevant team feels like, all Padres fans under the age of 25 collectively self-combust after having a third prime-timed televised game on a network everyone can get.
- Chris Paddack will be shutdown in June, but not due to injury, it will be because hitters are unable to hit him and it’s become unfair. Padres fans will understand, but none of us will be happy about it.
- Nick Canepa will write an article about the Chargers.
- The Padres do end up signing Dallas Keuchel, who as a goof shows up to his press conference with the lead singer of Sevendust. He gets it, we get him. It works.
- Andy Green is fired at the All-Star break. No one knows why and no one asks. He is replaced by Jose Pirela.
- After two months in the minors, Luis Urias makes his way back to the big leagues and hits .294 in June and July, and then is sent back down to Triple-A and replaced by Jose Pirela.
- Kirby Yates breaks the record for saves in a season with 84, although the Padres only win 82 games.
- ESPN features the Padres prominently every night on Sportscenter, which is great, it’s just no one watches Sportscenter anymore.
- Matt Strahm impresses everyone with a 14 win season and 185 K’s. That’s it.
- We trade for Clayton Richard just for kicks.
- Gaslamp Ball quits Gaslamp Ball.
- Franmil becomes the next Padre to hit for the cycle, when rounding first base he sees the outfielder rushing to the corner to grab his laser into the gap and while doing this the outfielder has an existential crisis and stops cold to wonder who is and what his life is all about. During the confusion Franmil continues to run sliding in to third to complete the cycle. He could have made it home, but he was very tired.
- Fernando Tatis and Fernando Tatis, Jr start a new show on FSSD called “Between Two Fernandos” where they awkwardly interview city officials about public policies and the housing crisis.
- In August, when it’s clear the Padres will most likely finish a very respectable 3rd in the NL West, #PadresTwitter is pissed. In response the Padres develop a new app that automatically downloads to your phone anytime you type the word “Padres” into Twitter. If any tweet is negative about the team or ownership Manny Machado comes to to your house and punches you in the face.
LET’S GO PADRES!
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