My apologies for the delay, it has been almost a week since the Chargers played their final game of the season. But that was way back in 2017 when things were so hectic and horrible. We’re now living in 2018 where the only thing the Chargers can do is suck at watching football.
Brief week 17 recap:
GOOD- My friend attended the game and saw a hero in a LA Galaxy jersey holding up a sign that read “GET OFF MY LAWN” and that poet deserves the Presidential Medal of Freedom.
BAD- The Chargers beat the Raiders handily, despite their 8th of 8 possible home games where the visiting fans equalled or outnumbered the blue and gold. They Bolts beat them so convincingly that Mark Davis mustered up 100 million dollars to throw at QB Camp Counselor and B- commentator Jon Gruden to salvage the Derek Carr era. Apparently the Raiders want to get rid of all their money before they have a chance to lose it in Vegas. Always bet against Black (and Silver).
This may be the couple glasses of wine writing this next paragraph, but looking back on the Chargers 2017 season, I’m mostly just sad. Sure I can dip into my schadenfreude that the Spanos family became a national laughing stock and the Bolts missed the playoffs for the 4th straight season. And the fact that the team’s performance had no affect on my mood each week was nice. But I am still a man without a team. An orphan. I’d have loved to love this team, but a slovenly billionaire wanted to be a big shot. Now no one is happy and that is the world we must come to accept. Last night I drank warm beer smuggled into to a karaoke bar in Little Tokyo and sang the national anthem from my knee. We’ve become a country of belligerent protestors. The NFL is a microcosm of America and I miss when that was a good thing. Or at least better than now.
On a more upbeat note, here’s a bunch of things that happened this season:
- Antonio Gates now holds the NFL record for TD passes for a tight end. I don’t care what drugs he’s done, Antonio is a class act and is on my personal (San Diego) Chargers Mount Rushmore along with LT, Eric Weddle, and Danny Woodhead AKA the only white life that matters.
- Four kickers. They went through FOUR of them. It seemed like a dozen. Having a bad kicker is like having a race car with bad tires. It’s really not that hard to get right and it is a true testament to organizational incompetence. I keep saying it, but there are no bad kickers, just bad teams that have kickers.
- Keenan Allen is always open and he has a sweet beard, but he’s become a prancy piece of shit and I don’t like him.
- Cardale Jones is a genuine character and God’s gift to sports twitter. Scroll through his timeline and smile.
- Travis Benjamin had one of the most hilarious punt return fuckups that I can remember. What a disaster he has been. Telesco has made some decent acquisitions but he’s whiffed on some big contracts as well.
- The top 2 draft picks did jack shit this year, and here’s to hoping they always do! Stay injured, protect your brains and get that money! NFL is corrupt and God is dead, get yours and stay on the sidelines!
- They have 17th overall draft pick in 2018. Everyone knows they need to find their heir to Rivers, who has maybe one more good year in him. There are 4 good QBs declared for the draft, and 6 teams with a bigger need for QB drafting ahead of them. Which means they either sell the farm to move up in the draft (think Ryan Leaf) OR they take the 5th or 6th best that falls to them and languish for years and years realizing how badly the squandered Philip “flippin” Rivers.
- Philip Rivers rides a party bus with a TV in it to watch game film on his daily commute from SD to LA. Bless his Catholic heart. He’s as dedicated to his family and craft as he is to not wearing a condom.
- The big PR push this year was “Fight for LA!” and wow, they lost that fight pretty bad. Like Mike Tyson vs Michael Spinks bad. But like if before the fight Michael Spinks had yelled out “This is for you LA!…” [punch] [canvas] [concussion].
- Hometown activist Joseph “SD Sign Guy” McCrae expertly trolled the Spanoses with his flyover messages. My favorite: “WANT TO SEE A SELLOUT DEAN? LOOK IN THE MIRROR”
- Dean and the rest of the Spanos family took promotional photos surveying the Inglewood site where the Chargers will eventually lose a bunch. They were wearing hard hats with lightning bolts on them like they were children on a field trip visiting people with real jobs.
That’s all folks! FUCK THE CHARGERS!
Jono Zalay is a native San Diegan and co-host of the F*** The Chargers podcast, available on iTunes and all those other places. He now lives in Los Angeles where he can hate the Chargers from close proximity.