The Padres have committed to thorough transparency regarding their medical records. This may include some sort of “Medical Records Tsar.” @padreshaiku kindly submits his qualifications.

Here’s why I’m perfect for the medical records manager job with the Padres.

A. I’m a librarian and I deal with complex databases all the time.

B. I’m a baseball fan, and I respect the integrity of the game.

C. I like working in a highly competitive team-based environment.

D. I understand HIPPA requirements and how to enforce them.

E. I will slip NyQuil into the opposing team’s water cooler before the game.

F. I’m a motivated learner and I like to take on challenges.

G. I’m getting pretty good at stealing signs.

H. I’m comfortable around a training room AND a board room.

I. I can deliver the lines “No Comment” and “I don’t comment on ongoing investigations” with real aplomb.

J. I already understand the freeway system in San Diego so I won’t get lost  on the way to work very often.*

K. Me and ownership seem to see eye to eye on former executives.

L. I will totally run the office NCAA tournament bracket contest AND any Super Bowl pool.

M. I know all the words to “You’ve Lost that Loving Feeling.” *

N. I will work for peanuts, literally. Just toss a couple bags on my desk every week or so and I’m good.

O. I’ve seen every episode of Pitch.

P. I feel like I’d be really good friends with Derek Norris.

Q. I secretly despise Derek Norris.

R. I got over the whole Rizzo trade thing pretty quick.

S. I will look the other way when it’s best for the club.

T. I don’t mind people slapping my butt at work. (I get that a lot at the library I work at right now actually.)

U. I have a license to drive and a clean record

V. I will keep myself steroid free just in case someone needs a clean sample.

W. I promise not to microwave fish in the break room.

X. I can administer performance enhancing hugs

Y. I am ready and willing to be thrown under the bus if another trade gets reversed.

Z. I have advanced skills in the Microsoft Office suite as well as Photoshop and Quickbooks*

I could go on but I’ve run out of letters.

Padres HR department: please direct offers/benefit packages to @padreshaiku on Twitter.

*not really but I promise I’ll learn them