by Dallas McLaughlin
Well, it’s time for a time-honored, time-sensitive, timeless piece of work known as my 2016 Major League Baseball Predictions! I spend countless time researching and reading and more research and more reading of things, and of course tons of insider information (I know the guy who cleans the Phillie Phanatic costume, so that’s something) that all is equated, tested, and scientifically reworked to provide the closest outcome possible to what might end up being the outcome.
The analysis may sound off, but the picks are always real. And timeless.
Let us start with Alexander Cartwright’s National League:
Philadelphia Phillies: This season the Phillies try something new – and kill Ryan Howard. Not for anything specific, just because. Unfortunately, no one knew that Howard had a direwolf named “Subway”, which goes on a rampage and attacks any Phillie under 25 years old. They play bandaged and bloody, but play well and finish in 3rd.
New York Mets*: Add eight more stud pitchers to the team while forgetting about 1st Base, 2nd Base, 3rd Base, Shortstop, Catcher, and all three outfield spots, but, man that rotation is sweet!
Montreal Nationals: Trade Daniel Murphy after he hits six homeruns in the first week, and no homeruns for the next two months. This opens a spot for Trea Turner who immediately becomes the best second baseman in the history of the game and the Nationals still can’t make the playoffs.
Florida Marlins of Miami: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fof40yqaW1U
Atlanta Braves: Atlanta does everything it can to garner interest in a team that is fielding…Freddie Freeman! They introduce “So, There’s That Night” where any fan who can name the starting outfield wins Freddie Freeman for a day.
Pittsburgh Pirates: Continue to tease fans like your 10th Grade English teacher. Sure, she made it seem like there was a chance, but you knew deep down it would never happen. I mean it might. It totally could, but won’t. Ever. Not until she’s 45 and your 23 and by that time it won’t even be worth it.
St. Louis Cardinals: Who gives a shit?
Chicago Cubs*: The Cubs begin season two of The Riz Goes Mads, and it’s a mess. Anthony Rizzo has left the show due to creative differences (socks), and is replaced by Kris Bryant. However, The Bry Goes Mads never catches on, and the show is cancelled three episodes in. Joe Maddon resigns, Rizzo is busted for steroids, and Kris Bryant gets engaged to Tila Tequila. This leads to a new reality show called The Bry Digs the Hard Stuff, and it runs for eighteen seasons. Somewhere along the way the Cubs do not win the World Series.
Milwaukee Brewers: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bJzF8_df1R8
Cincinnati Reds: Realize that Brandon Phillips was always on the team, and will always be on the team. He’ll never play anywhere else, and he will never retire. He is the beginning and the end. Genesis and Revelation. He is. Jay Bruce is murdered.
San Francisco Giants* (guest written by Sean O’Donnell): The Giants buy into the “even-year” theory so hard that they declare themselves World Series Champions on Opening Day. They don’t show up to any games, and go 0-162. Somehow they still come in 3rd in the NL West.
Colorado Rockies: Totally forgot they had Jose Reyes. When they remember why he was gone everybody kinda gets the heebie jeebies. Like, ehhhh. You know? Gross. They finish last in the division and DESERVE IT FOR NOT RELEASING HIM WHO CARES ABOUT THE ALLEGATIONS AND RESULTS GROW A FREAKING SPINE HE IS NOT WORTH IT!
Arizona Diamondbacks: Despite the high profile acquisitions and “go for it” attitude, nothing seems to work out right. Goldy breaks his leg in May. Greinke goes into hiding after a fan calls him “incendiary” and he doesn’t know how he’s supposed to take it. AJ Pollock starts making weird splatter paintings with spit in the outfield grass. They lose 83 games, and Pollock doesn’t sell one piece at his first art show “Grass Works”.
San Diego Padres: Andy Green brings a new attitude into the clubhouse, and surprisingly the team finishes in second place in the West. The celebration is cut short when in a ‘happy rage’ Mark Maguire eats Andy Green whole, and all the ghosts that Fernando Rodney has been shooting all these years with ghost arrows enact their revenge on the unsuspecting San Diego public.
Los Angeles Dodgers of Anaheim (guest written by Q): Hit with so many injuries that they sparked a M.A.S.H. reboot—delighting white people everywhere! The Dodgers decided to just go with Kershaw, A-Gonz, and Puig in the field. Unfortunately, Puig was injured riding an actual bull in from right field and Adrian left to model Doublemint gum. So Kershaw played on. Alone. Somehow, the Dodgers still finished 13 games ahead of the Padres.
WILD CARDS: Dodgers, Pirates
NL CHAMPION: Giants
Now, on to Ban Johnson’s load of bull, American League:
New York Yankees: On “Old Timers” Day, the team tries to bring Yogi Berra back to life using jumper cables. Amazingly it doesn’t work, and the results are horrifying. The whole fiasco curses the Pinstripes and they lose a record 145 games. They still finish in 2nd place.
Baltimore Orioles: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wLaM1d383eg
Boston Red Sox: In the grand tradition of not letting the Yankees outdo them, they try to bring Curt Schilling back to life. Everything was going smoothly until someone realized he wasn’t dead. This caused the Red Sox brass to claim the experiment a success, and that they are once again better than the Yankees. David Ortiz explodes from all the steroids.
Toronto Blue Jays*: At the beginning of the season John Gibbons brings a life-size cardboard cut out of Goose Gossage into the locker room. It’s covered, and every time the Blue Jays win, a piece of the cover is removed revealing more and more of Gossage. The strategy works and the Blue Jays win 120 games. When all the pieces are removed, the Toronto Blue Jays become 35 of now only 63 people who know why Gossage got the nickname “Goose”.
Tampa Bay Rays: Evan Longoria is still playing on this team.
Cleveland Indians: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LpZ3LODBK7E
Chicago White Sox: After a very strange Spring Training, to regain the love of his players, Jerry Reinsdorf decides to sign Drake LaRoche to DH in his father’s place. Surprisingly he hits for a better average, but unsurprisingly he’s a little brat. They immediately release him, and sign the pop star Drake to pitch relief. Unsurprisingly he is booed during every appearance.
Kansas City Royals: Chasing the dragon, they start the season by winning 45 games in a row! However, it all comes to a screeching halt on ‘Mike Moustakas Bobble Head’ night when George Brett brings an actual moose to the stadium and it tramples Sal Perez to death.
Detroit Tigers*: Verlander almost makes a comeback. Miggy hits 36 homeruns. Upton has a great year. JD Martinez strikes out a lot. That’s all.
Minnesota Twins: If you listen hard enough, you can hear the faint sounds of every fan in Minnesota softly chanting, “Kumite, Kimute, Kumite…”
Anaheim Angels of Dodgers: Completely shocked he still manages the team; Mike Scioscia decides its time to test the limits. He benches Pujols and starts CJ Cron, trades Garrett Richards and Huston Street to the A’s for Eric Sogard and Josh Phegley, starts Trout at Catcher, and re-signs Josh Hamilton to do absolutely nothing. They win 64 games and he signs a contract extension for $30 million over seven years.
Oakland Athletics*: With Richards and Street now on the roster, they win the division and lose in the first round of the playoffs.
Houston Astros: Springer gets hurt in the first week, Gattis retires after they make him shave his beard, and oddly, Doug Fister does not work out. They still show a ton of effort, and everyone is just really very proud of them.
Seattle Mariners: The Mariners re-sign Ichiro for one more victory lap, and he amazingly hits .320 for the season and the team begins to compete for a wild card birth. This ignites the city, and all the fans that claimed to always be Seahawks fans, have once again shifted back and now always claim to have been Mariners fans. Marshawn Lynch sings the National Anthem on opening day.
Texas Rangers: The Rangers are forced to trade Joey Gallo and Jurickson Profar when all the other teams enact a long forgotten rule called the “But, It’s Not Fair” rule. They trade Gallo for Steven Matz from the Mets, and Profar for more sunflower seeds.
WILD CARD: Astros, Yankees
AL CHAMPION: Blue Jays
WORLD SERIES CHAMPIONS: San Francisco Giants (in 6)
That’s it! That’s the prediction. I wish I could have picked some fancy winner, but it’s an even year and what do you want? I was the only one who picked the Giants to win back in 2012, and hot damn I’ll do it again!
Thanks for reading, now go watch some Baseball you idiot!
For more expert analysis and things you won’t like follow me onTwitter @dallas_mc